i remember this feeling.
I don’t want to give up.
God help me, i’m so scared of myself.
look at me,
I’m stumbling down that oh so familiar path of mine. Give me a hit; anything that will make me feel better for a little while. Numb me with a drug induced nirvana that will make me forget my own name and what i’m about. I want the highs but i also want the lows. I want to feel myself crashing back down. Feeling every sharp sound and emotion ripping through my skull and down to my chest. That realisation that i’m a fucking human being and i feel. The feeling of being alive. Barely but so much. Where’s the sense in anything?
You’re a liar.
You’re a liar.
You’re a liar.
You don’t love me.
You don’t even know me.
no one to blame but myself.
I didn’t think it were possible to hate myself any more than i already did. I can’t stand the person that i am. The way i look. The way i speak. The way i need you to fix me so bad. I’m pathetic. There’s actually no other word to describe me.
I’m tired of looking out for everyone else but myself. I’m tired of loving, loving and never ever being loved back. All i ever feel is dirty and unloved.
be-real-with-me-brah asked: I just wanted to say I really love your blog. It's really real and so legit. You're one of the people I follow on tumblr that I actually read :)
Aw thanks <3 I never expect people to read my posts because i tend to only write when I’m angry or upset and my tumblr is so emo, for lack of a better word, that it makes me cringe sometimes lol.
Like it’s not bad enough that you always convince me to think up all these stupid little theories about everything and anything, you are now fucking up my sleep too. Why do you always have to be so clingy? Fucking leave me alone already. I do not enjoy being an irritated, jumpy mess all of the time because of you. I do not enjoy having to look behind my shoulder everywhere i go. And i sure as hell do not enjoy sitting up in bed until 5am because you’re making me see things and hear things that do not exist. You are driving me crazy. I know we’ve always had this on and off relationship in the past but you are way too full on for me to handle right now. Tone it down, please? Or if possible, fuck off all together.
londonhatesyou-deactivated20130 asked: You're right at all points. And that's what I meant too, a maybe is never something that's been nailed to yoursefl or any other thing. It's never completely negative or positive, kind of like how a surprise can be. To be sure of what a surprise is, I believe that you should think of it as "unexpected". Is unexpected positive or negative?
Could be either. Living your life with no surprises would be pretty tiresome and boring though, wouldn’t it?
londonhatesyou-deactivated20130 asked: If it's possible to use the word "maybe" in your life, it's also possible to turn it a little bit further, to something that's "not too bad". And if you are there, you're okay, I guess. I mean, noone needs to feel like heaven's in their flats or houses or brains or hearts, come on, we're just humans. Try to use the word "maybe" more often, I don't think it will do you anything bad. I wish you all good. Sincerely, londonhatesyou.
–adverb 1. perhaps; possibly: Maybe I’ll go too.
–noun 2. a possibility or uncertainty
You’re right. However, in the same way that you can push maybe further in a positive light, you can do the opposite too. Maybe can be a let down. Something you built your hopes up on but realised would never happen in the end. But, maybe is still better than a straight no or a never. I guess.
Thanks for the follow btw :) x
maybe i was wrong.
Maybe we will be okay. Maybe i won’t ruin what we have. Maybe you’ll stick around. Maybe this will be the best fucking thing that will ever happen to the either of us.
Maybe doesn’t sound so bad today.
up until this morning.
I had completely let go of all the shit that happened a year ago. I had pushed it to the back of my mind and told myself that i will never let the things you did or said ever hurt me. But it seems like none of this will ever go away. I mean i know it will at some point but it doesn’t seem like it’ll be anywhere in the near future. And why? Because i might try to forget the shit you all put me through but i will never forgive any of you. I’ve been hurt by so many different people but to be treated the way you guys treated me…that shit was not fair. I didn’t deserve what you put me through. I will always be the first to admit i am wrong but i did not deserve any of that shit. And the fact that we all had so much history? ten years of friendship is not minor.
So today i realised something. The whole reason as to why all of this happened was because i thought that i could for one tiny second, just be me. The real me. I opened up to you because you said you loved me and that i should trust you. I told you things that I’d never told anyone else about. I was stupid and naive and you broke my heart when you told me i was dirty. Used. Useless. Then you went and told everyone my deepest, darkest secrets. That’s how it all started.
So why has all of this suddenly started hurting again a year on? Because i’m so scared that you’re going to do the same as he did. They did. There’s a lot you don’t know about me but you know enough. Enough to run in the oposite direction. And thinking about how they all sat there and discussed my secrets to everyone who would listen, how they didn’t think i was worthy of their friendship or their love after being around me for all those years…what makes me think you’ll stick around?
You don’t even feel that way about me to begin with.
there’s a lack of colour here.
Drugs are bad for you.
i’m doing that thing again.
Where i punish myself for letting go and giving you all of me. I do a break up before the real life one. I abuse myself in all the ways i know how to until I’m numb. So when it’s time for you to break my heart, i promise myself that it won’t hurt as much.
Only problem is, i can’t handle it this time. Letting go of you is like letting go of everything that’s good in my life. If i let you go, I’m letting go of the one thing that’s keeping my head above the water.
strongerthanwhatyouclaim-deacti asked: I continue to follow your blog, and I am amazed at how far you have come since your first few posts. :) I wish you the best of luck in life. You will be happy one day, fully happy. Because you deserve to be.
you’re such a sweetheart, thank you. it means a lot, i was going to do something really stupid before i read your message. x
I haven’t had a proper nights sleep for a while now. During the night I’m uncomfortable, paranoid and have nightmares if i get the chance to sleep for a few hours. During the day I’m irritable, anti-social and burst into tears randomly. I hate this. I feel so alone. There are so many things that i need to get off my chest but i don’t want to say them to anyone but you and you’re not here right now. Everytime you call me my heart skips a few beats but as soon as you hang up i feel like someones given me a punch to the stomach. I miss you so much that it hurts. I don’t want to tell you how I’ve not been coping since the operation or even since the day you left because i don’t want to ruin your holiday but i can’t do this anymore. I feel like everything is falling apart and I’m not strong enough to pick up the pieces by myself. I want you to come home and wrap me up in your safety and tell me everything is going to be okay. I’m so scared that a week from now will be too late.
rexworth asked: I miss her more than myself. Life seems to have no meaning without her now. I love her like I've never loved anyone. And I'm sorry that you went through all that you had to. But it's nice to see that you've come out of it so much more stronger than ever before. :)
Keep going girl! :D
if i hadn’t gone through everything i have so far, i wouldn’t be the person i am now. for every bad thing that has happened, i’ve learnt something and tried to find a good thing somewhere in between the shit. i’m sorry that it didn’t work out for you guys, life can be really cruel sometimes but one day you will find happiness and it might be with her or with someone else but it will be amazing and you’ll look back and think everything else was just a stepping stone to get to her.
rexworth asked: Hey, thanks for the follow! Imma following you too now! :)
I can relate pretty well to how you feel. In my case what happened was that our paths in life took us away from each other. She's in North America, and me in India. LoL. Sad.
aww, thanks. i love your tumblr :)
and that sucks, but i guess if it’s meant to be your paths will cross again at some point?