'Any woman who is currently with a man is with him partly because she loves the way he smells. And if we haven’t smelled you for a day or two and then we suddenly are within inches of you, we swoon. We get light-headed. It’s intoxicating. It’s heady.'
I loveee your blog. It's amazing :) . It's sooo true too. I know they say not to judge a person by something on the Internet, but you seem sooo strong for doing this. You're awesome. Btw ur ex boyfriend is a stupid douche for doing that to you..... U deserve much better :)
You’re so sweet, thank you. It kinda freaks me out that people actually read what i write; i only do it because i find it easier to just write what i feel anonymously then to say it sometimes or to keep a journal that my mum ‘accidently’ ends up finding and reading :)
I need you. So much. You can’t even begin to understand how much i need you to hold me or talk to me right now. Just to be here. I’m trying my best to give you space to do your own thing but i can’t deal with all this shit right now. Not by myself. When i tell you that nothing is wrong i am lying. I just don’t have the strength to find the words to explain to you what it is that is upsetting me so much. And it scares me that you even notice. How can you see what nobody else ever does?
I don’t want to keep lying to you and I’m so scared that i will end up pushing you away. But I’m even more worried that you’ll get fed up with my shit and just leave me if i tell you what is going on. I wish i could make it all go away but i can’t. I keep trying to forget but it keeps coming back. I’m holding in the tears and the weakness because i don’t want you to see how pathetic and broken i really am. Fuck.
At first i was really upset and didn’t understand why this happened. Now, i don’t really care. I prefer not having you around to put me down and make me feel like shit every time i see you. I know you don’t mean it so I’m not angry. Find me when you’ve grown the fuck up.
I know you’re scared; deep down everybody is but you deserve to be happy. You need to let go of the past and be grateful for everything you have now. You need to remember that you’re only human; everybody makes mistakes. You are not the same person you were before so stop putting yourself through all this bullshit. You’re a good person.
P.S stop faking a smile and actually try a real one.
day twelve - a letter to someone who has caused me a lot of pain.
There were a number of people that i could have chosen to write this letter to but i decided to pick you because I’ve already written a letter to my dad and one of my ex’s. And even though i hate said above ex and he broke my heart; you hurt me in a completely different way. At least i learnt a lot about myself in that relationship. I don’t regret being with him.
You however, are one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I regret the day i met you. I regret staying with you for over two years of my life. All you did was cause me pain and heartache. You were never supportive or loving and you made it your aim to make me feel as vulnerable and fragile as possible so that i never left you. You made me believe i was ugly and stupid and that i wasn’t worth loving. You cheated on me various times and tried to convince me that i was crazy and that no one will ever put up with me and that you were doing me a favour by being with me. I still find it hard to believe how stupid and naive i was even though i was sixteen and you were my first long-term boyfriend.
How could you sit there and watch me cry all those times and never bother to ask what’s wrong. Or how to make it better? You selfish fucking bastard. It was only when you started getting physically aggressive with me that i started fighting back. I can’t believe i put up with your bullshit for so long, i don’t understand why i ever stayed with you. By that point i was always drug-fuelled and angry and we spent too much time together. For some reason you decided to fall in love with me at that point. You stopped being a bastard and instead started suffocating me and becoming extremely overprotective of me to the point that i felt like i couldn’t breathe around you. I started getting off with other people and getting as fucked off my brain as much as possible at all times so i didn’t have to worry about anything. I finally got the courage to leave you and you started threatening to kill yourself if i did. And the worst part was that i actually knew you meant it and i even witnessed a few failed attempts on numerous occasions. You knew that i would stay if you pulled that card and i think it’s disgusting.
Just writing this is making me want to be sick. I can’t stand anything that remotely reminds me of you. When i see you i get an automatic feeling of disgust. I feel sorry for you because i know you’re not right in the head but i don’t think it’s right what you did. I’m not trying to claim that i was the best girlfriend i could be through our whole relationship but i only became a bitch for the last few months; before that i was.
I’m going to stop writing now because i can’t be bothered to waste another second of my time on you.
Hey, I dont have a question I just wanted to tell you something.
I think you seem like an amazingly strong person whose suffered a lot in life. With that I can relate. I was really happy to read that you've come so far. Please keep your head up and keep fighting.
You're beautiful :)
You’ve just made my day. Thank you for being so sweet.
sometimes you make me so happy that it hurts. in a good way.
But sometimes i want to crawl up into a little ball and cry. Cry till i have nothing left to cry about. I’m tired of being tired. I’m sick of being sick. I hate that whenever i’m happy, a sudden saddness decides to take over and make me feel sick to my stomach. I hate that i’m scared of loving you too much in case it turns into hate. Does that even make sense? Do i ever make sense? I just need to sleep. I want you to wrap me up in your arms and tell me that everything will be okay.
day eleven - a letter to a deceased person i wish i could talk to.
There doesn’t go a day that I don’t miss you. I wish you could see me now; I hope you’d be proud.
I know I was ungrateful sometimes and I took your love for granted and I want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the times that I didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry for asking you to come back because if I hadn’t, you would probably still be here right now. And I’m so sorry for all those times where you had to deal with my anger, my hate and for all the abuse I put you through. And I want to thank you. Thank you for staying by my side no matter what I said or did to you. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for taking the words, the punches and the kicks so I didn’t have to. You held my hand through the good times and the bad and never ever loosened your grip. Thank you for loving me. I have never met someone as beautiful and pure as you. You put me before yourself and everything else and cared and protected me in ways no one else has ever bothered to. You made me feel safe and loved and I will never forget that. I will never forget you.
I got a tattoo in your commemoration; it takes up quite a bit of space on my side but I think you’d have liked it. And no, I don’t need a tattoo to remind me of you but knowing that I’ve got our tree permanently etched into my skin makes me feel like I will always have a piece of you with me wherever I go.
It took a really really long time for me to come to terms with the fact that you’re gone. I’ve never been a strong person and without you I completely broke down. I never realised how much love you poured into me until you were gone. I had spent so much time being bitter and resentful and drugged up that I didn’t realise that you did everything you could every single day to make my life easier. I thought I had it bad? I learnt what that really felt like when you died. I only started seeing how fucked up things were after that and I’m so ashamed that something so horrible had to happen to make me wake up and see what things were really like. Everything you’d tried to make me understand was suddenly crystal clear. And I hate myself for never taking the time to appreciate you or tell you how much you have always meant to me.
Anyway, I guess you’re wanting an update? There’s so much to tell you! For starters, I’m done with the drugs. No more heroin; I’ve been clean for a little while now. And this time mean it. I rarely do anything else nowadays either. My hairs really short; as short as you always wanted me to cut it. I passed my first year of university and I’ve got a nice stable job too. Things at home have improved a little bit; there’s a new member of the family you haven’t met. She’s three and literally the most beautiful child ever. My mum gave birth a few days after you passed away. God blessed me with a mini you to hold me down now that you’re gone. There’s a guy in the picture too. He’s lovely; I think you would have really liked him, he reminds me of you in so many ways.
I’ve finally reached a point where I am quite content with life. It’s taken a lot to get here and I’m not going to let anyone get me down or make me do something to ruin it for myself. One day we will meet again and I want to be able to make you proud.
day ten - a letter to someone i don’t talk to as much as i’d like to.
I miss you. It’s weird not seeing you almost every day. I can’t believe we did something so stupid to ruin our friendship. You were drunk, what was my excuse? Obviously you were going to lie about breaking up with her and obviously I didn’t believe you yet I pushed that aside that night. She comes by and sees me at work sometimes. I feel guilty every time she tells me how happy you guys are. I’m not jealous that she’s yours. I just wish you would stop hiding from me. We both made a mistake but it was quite a while ago. Let’s get past it, please?
P.S i can’t believe you got the promotion, congrats!
I hate you. Most of the time i don’t feel anything towards you. Sometimes i want to break your fucking face in. I can go days, even weeks not thinking about you and then BAM, somehow your face or your name is in front of me and everything comes rushing back. I try to avoid songs or movies that remind me of you but that kinda stuff is out of my control sometimes. I hate that you have my book in your hand in your fucking profile picture. I hate that you look so good in that fucking picture. I HATE THAT YOU KNOW THAT I’VE SEEN THAT PICTURE and you know how much it pisses me off.
It never had to be this way. If you’d just been a man about it then we probably would still be together. But to be completley honest with you, i wouldn’t want that. As much as i loved you, we were not right for each other and it’s taken me a very long time to realise it.
When i first met you i was in a relationship with someone else and so were you. I commented on how hot you were and even tried to convince my then best friend to make a move on you. Even though i thought you were good looking i wasn’t attracted to you or anything at all and it stayed like that for a really long time. It wasn’t until that time that we all went out clubbing that things changed. I was still with my ex but you’d broken up with your gf and were being really sweet to me all night. I don’t know how but we got to dancing and you kissed me.
I had never been happy in the relationship i was in at the time. I was just scared of being alone and not being wanted by anyone. I woke up the next day feeling the happiest i’d been in months. I don’t know what had changed but suddenly i was mad attracted to you and couldn’t stop thinking about you. I dumped my bf that day without even thinking about it twice. I felt so free and i wanted you. So so bad.
I got your number off your brother and we started texting and just like that we started seeing each other. For the first time in a really really long time i was happy. You made everything okay. I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me and for a while we were perfect for each other. I didn’t realise that the main reason why i was so happy was because my previous relationship was so bad and compared to him you were an angel. I settled for less then i deserved.
I knew you were going off to uni and tried so many times to bring it up but you always brushed it off by saying, ‘It doesn’t matter, you love me and I’ve only got eyes for you. It’ll work.’ I believed you. You went away for the summer and i actually thought things would be fine when you came back. You dumped me. My so called best friend had convinced you that our relationship wouldn’t survive once you went off to uni. Being the idiot that i was i had spent all that time convincing her boyfriend that their relationship would LAST when she went away. They stayed together. You broke up with me. How fucked up is that? And what was more fucked up? I became your fuck buddy for the following few weeks before you went away because i actually thought you might change your mind. I made things even worse for myself.
Then the mind fucks began. You randomly commenting on my facebook. The texts. The calls. Your schizophrenic attitude. You wouldn’t even leave me to be heart broken in peace. Looking back at all this now i feel like such an idiot. I know i booked that ticket to go and see you for the weekend up in Birmingham not to see my mate. You manipulated me and allowed me to believe that you still loved me. I ended up spending the whole weekend with you, fucking. I came back to London feeling used and even more fucked up then i was before.
If i could ask you one question it would be why? Why did you ask to try again only to dump me AGAIN three days later? Breaking my heart the second time round was 1,000,000 times worse then the first. Not only did you take my dignity, my trust and my heart you took all my friends away from me as well.
I spent weeks in my bed crying because of you. I was a fucking wreck. But you know what’s funny? I’m thankful. If you hadn’t put me through all of that i wouldn’t be where i am now. My life would be so different if we’d stayed together.
If we were still together I’d still be the destructive person i was before. I would still be friends with people that i thought had my best interest at heart only to find out that one day they would drop me just like that. I’m thankful that they left me for you instead of sometime in the near future when i actually needed them. I would have never found out who my real friends are. If we were still together I’d probably never have paid any attention in uni and spent a stupid amount of time and money to see you as much as i could. Basically, i would have fucked up my life.
You might have broken my heart and fucked me over but I’m fine now. And the best thing? I’ve found a guy that is better then you in every single way. And i never thought I’d say this again but i love him and he makes me happier then you ever did. I could do without the bottled up anger you’ve left me with and things would be easier if i wasn’t so worried about my heart being broken again but I’M FINE.
So go ahead, shove that photo in my face because you know what? You’re nothing to me.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me. A lot of people tell me that when they first met me they didn’t like me at all. I don’t know what it is about me but i guess i’m not good at first impressions. Either way, it doesn’t really matter what you think of me at the end of the day because my life will go on and so will yours. Your judgment means nothing to me and will not effect me in any way.
I’m sorry i was such a shit sister for eighteen years. I never meant to push you so far away and end up hurting you all those times. However, if it weren’t for all the shit we went through we probably would never have gotten as close as we are now.
You are my best friend. You are always the first person i confide in when i have a secret. The first person to cry to when i have a problem. And the first person i annoy when i get home and I’m drunk off my tits. I know there is a weird age gap between us but you are one of the more mature people i know (advice wise because let’s face it, you are a retard almost always) and i am so thankful to have you in my life.
Of course we still fight every once in a while but neither of us can stay mad at each other for long and we end up laughing about it afterwards. I love you in ways that you’ll probably never understand and i am proud to be your big sister. You know i will always be here for you no matter what and nobody will ever come between us. You make being at home so much easier. You’re a part of my backbone, sis and i hope I’m a part of yours.
You’re beautiful and you’re smart and as perfect as a person can get (work on your peoples skills a little please. And do your fucking homework, you’re not going to automatically get into college, you moron.) Boys and friends will come and go but i will always be here. Whether i move house, country or even continent; you will always be my first priority.
You don’t have to prove anything to me. I know you love me!
I’m so sorry. For everything. If i could take it all back and start fresh i would. I’d take back all the lies and the hurt but i can’t. I’m trying so hard to make you both forget but you’re putting up a fight and it’s killing me. It kills me to know that neither of you will ever trust me or love me the way you should. I know what i did was wrong. I hate myself for it every single day. But i wish you’d take a little bit of the blame over what happened. Both of you.
Dad, you used to be my hero. I will probably never love a man as much as i loved you when i was younger. But you fucked up. So badly. You broke her heart and you broke mine. You ruined everything and you acted like it was our fault. You were angry at yourself but you took it out on me. You changed from my hero to the one person who i hated more then anyone else. Because of you i’ve been numb for six years. Because of you i don’t trust anyone. Because of you i will never be able to love properly.
Mum, i know it’s not your fault. He broke your heart and you took it out on me because every time you look at me you see him. I know he hurt you but i wish you didn’t direct all the hate you felt for him at me. I know i tipped you over the edge when you found out i was taking drugs. I gave you a real reason to hate me. You asked me to tell you the truth and i did. What did you do? You called me a liar and a whore and made my life even harder to handle. I told you the reason i was doing heroin was because i hated myself. Because i wanted something to take the pain away. Because i wanted to forget that i got raped over and over and over again. You called me a whore, mum.
I know i shouldn’t have ran away but i didn’t know what else to do. If i hadn’t left i would have ended my life. I thought i took the easy way out by leaving. As much as i regret walking out i know it had to be done. If you knew what i had to go through those months away from home you wouldn’t look at me the same way. You don’t know that i cried myself to sleep every single night because as much as i hated you guys i needed you.
And when i came back i promised i would change. And i have. All I’ve ever wanted was to make you happy. To make you proud. I’m a good person. I’m trying so hard to make you love me. I wish you’d take one second to look back at all the things you’ve done and maybe you’d understand why everything played out the way it did but you’re so blinded by your ignorance and your hate that i know things will never change.
I take responsability for my mistakes every single day. Please take responsability for yours.
I know it’s hard to love me, i just wish you’d prove me wrong.
I’m not really sure what’s going on with us right now. I wish i hadn’t sent you that text last night. But i wish you knew how hurt i was feeling when i wrote those words. You’re probably thinking I’m an idiot; i know i am but you need to understand that it goes a little deeper then the reason you think i did it. If you knew how shit i felt, how completely fucking used up and worthless i felt would you still think I’m an idiot? I can’t even look at myself in the mirror these days. I hate who i am; every single part of me.
For once in my life i want to feel like I’m worth something. That I’m worth actually loving. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not like you don’t make me happy. No one can make me as happy as you. You light up my darkest days. But sometimes, i feel like I’m just another girl to you. I hate that feeling. Like I’m not even your girlfriend. I love you so much and it kills that you’ll never feel the same. I’m willing to give you all of me and as much as you say you’d do the same, you’re not willing. You never will be.
The other night when you held me and you told me everything was going to be alright; i believed you. I held onto every single word you spoke because you were saving me. You were saving me from myself and you had no idea. If you hadn’t stayed with me that night i don’t know what would have happened. I told you that i was okay and that i can look after myself but i CAN’T. I need you. So bad. I need you to make me forget what happened. And i know you’re angry that i don’t want to talk about it but i never want to have to remember. Ever.
The problem is we were never meant to be in a relationship. I was never meant to fall in love with you. I should have never asked you to be my boyfriend. Now I’m all over the place and you have no idea what’s going on. You think you know me but there’s so much you have no idea about. Everyone thinks I’m this super confident cold hearted bitch but it’s all an act. I’m weak. I’m fucking fragile and i just want to be looked after because i can’t do this anymore. There’s so much i want to say to you but I’m afraid you’ll laugh in my face. I’m afraid you’ll brush it all off and forget about me. I’m afraid you’ll leave.
We’ve known each other for a very long time and it kills me that we’ve been drifting apart for the last few months. I don’t know what the reason behind it is but it could be your ex boyfriend, my ex best friend or exams and stuff like that. All i have to say is that i miss you. So much. I miss making you feel better after a long week at uni or after you’ve had an argument with your (now ex) boyfriend. You’ve always been the one person that i can say anything to and i wish things could just go back to how they were before. I feel like you don’t really care anymore and you’ve moved on. I hope I’m wrong.